I just interviewed a wonderful holistic sleep coach named Kim Hawley MA, MPH, IBCLC on my podcast! Here are some of my takeaways from our amazing conversation: 

 

Sleep deprivation can be one of the hardest parts of early parenting. It sneaks into every corner of your life—your mental health, your relationships, even your confidence as a parent. For many families, sleepless nights aren’t just a phase; they’re an emotional and physical marathon. I can absolutely relate!! But there’s so much more to this journey than controlling your child’s sleep. No matter how your child sleeps, your mindset, support system, expectations, and self-care make a huge difference! 

 

Here are my top recommendations for navigating sleep challenges in early parenthood while maintaining your sanity, strength, and connection with your child.

 

Accept What You Can—and Can’t—Control

 

We don’t often want to hear this one so I figured I’d start here and get it out of the way! Sleep is involuntary. We can’t actually control if someone else sleeps. We can set up an environment that promotes a feeling of safety, but we cannot snap our fingers and magically create sleep. I know that the interwebs make it sound like there are silver-bullet one-size-fits-all approaches that will make your baby sleep through the night – sorry, not true. Sleep is a biological process, driven by your child’s unique needs, temperament, and physical development.

 

You may have a high needs, or frequent waking child. You may have an easy-going, low-waking child. Sleep tendencies are influenced by genetics, but the type of baby you’ll get is still somewhat random. I had one extremely high-needs frequent waker, 1 normal sleeper that felt like a dream, only waking 2 times a night, and 1 frequent waker but not a high-needs child. I have been an insomniac since I was at least 3 and vividly remember being the only one in my house awake my whole childhood; plus ADHD, so on some level, I expected that my kids maybe wouldn’t sleep in the socially accepted “best” way. That didn’t stop me from hoping they took after their dad though. 😉

 

When parents expect that they “should” be forcing their child’s sleep to look a certain way or assume their child should “sleep through the night,” they are left frustrated, overwhelmed, saddened, worried, and ultimately full of self-doubt. Accepting that sleep patterns evolve naturally over time, babies are their own unique selves with valid and varying needs and are neither bad nor good based on their sleep pattern, and there are more ideas and solutions than you might think, allows you to let go of the struggle of “shoulds” and focus on creating an environment where sleep feels safe, nurturing, attuned, and responsive.

Trust Your Intuition Over Fear-Based Advice

When you visit Google, Facebook, or the like and search for sleep advice, you’ll be swamped with a barrage of conflicting advice. Extremists are using fear to sell to you; you’re not required to participate. You don’t owe your time, money, or peace to anyone. Unfollow anything that’s contributing to your mental overwhelm and not offering support and solutions that fit for your family. 

 

Listen to your instincts. When you’re given a specific newborn sleep tip how does it feel in your body? Do you feel uneasy, like you’re being pushed or manipulated? Do you feel a sense of rightness and certainty? Your bond with your baby is one of the most incredible experiences on planet Earth! Observe them, lay with them, talk with them, get to know them, watch how they learn about the world, and see how they express their needs, discomforts, and satisfaction. The more you slow down and allow yourself to just be together the more confident you’ll feel in making choices for your relationship and, in this article, specifically sleep. Instead of forcing a solution that doesn’t align with your values, trust your relationship with your child and experiment gently to find what works for both of you. 

 

Prioritize Your Own Sleep and Self-Care

In the podcast, Kim laid out just a few responsive sleep solutions to help wakeful sleepers, even if nothing about their pattern actually changes.

Split shift 50/50

Split nights involve Parent A taking the 1st shift, for 4 or 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep while Parent B lays safely with or near the baby and tends to feedings and soothings. Then Parent B switches out and gets 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep while Parent A does their shift.

 Co-sleep Safely

Creating a way to safely co-sleep can be a fit for some families and Kim has extensive knowledge and research on this topic. If you’re already sold and love co-sleeping the next paragraph is not for you, feel free to skip it. 

 

For those who are terrified reading that possible suggestion, remember UNICEF says in their safe sleep guideline, “shocking messages that imply that all/any co-sleeping leads to death are not helpful. They do not reflect the evidence, and they frighten parents and staff, induce guilt and close down honest conversations,” “.03% of all births result in a SIDS case” and “½ of SIDS deaths occurred in cots or Moses baskets, and ½ in cosleeping and 90% of the ½ in cosleeping situations could have potentially been prevented if there were not also other hazardous factors.” The vast majority of those parents did NOT intend to co-sleep. So consider planning ahead, just in case, and make sure you have a way to accomplish this safely if you need it. And as always, trust your own intuition, if cosleeping is not a good fit for your family then veto that suggestion and move on. 

Create Equity Elsewhere

Setting up the division of labor in areas other than sleep can also work. In my family, I tend to the babies all night. Unless I’m really overwhelmed and call in my husband to help, that’s my domain. I want it that way. I feel most safe and comfortable with my babies near me and I can’t sleep when they are in another room anyway. So then how does Dad help? He makes dinner and cleans up the kitchen, he gets the older kids ready for bed, he helps with school stuff, he embraces the chaos, he takes the bigger kids out to give me time to snuggle the tiny one, he takes her if I want to shower or nap during the afternoon hours before my night shift (I have less anxiety then, though I’m not sure why exactly), he brings me food and extra supplies for my “station.” He pulls the weight elsewhere and appreciates that my specialty in that first year or so is with the baby. Do you have to divide it this way? Absolutely not, you get to decide what works for you! 

Take Special Care of YOU

Make sure you are eating nourishing and replenishing foods, drinking lots of water including electrolytes, reading or listening to fun things, venting when you need to with safe people, going on little walks after your resting period postpartum, journaling things you’re grateful for, and getting professionals involved if you AT ALL suspect they could help. (Therapist, Lactation Consultant, Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapist, Sleep Coach, Postpartum Doula, Chiropractor – whatever you find supportive.) Honor your needs and your well-being as being just as important as everyone else’s in the family. Yes, some things have to be postponed or done differently, but you don’t stop mattering just because you had a baby. When you do this, the sleep variations and inconsistencies are far easier to manage. 

 

A Final Thought: Let Go of Perfection

Parenting is a dance, not a formula. Some nights will go smoothly, and others will leave you feeling like you’re stumbling in the dark—literally and figuratively. But those moments don’t define your worth as a parent. What matters most is your presence, your love, and your willingness to keep showing up. 

 

By shifting your mindset, focusing on what you can control, and caring for yourself along the way, you won’t just survive these sleepless nights, you may even come to cherish the intentional connection and deep attachment between you and your baby.

 

From my heart to yours, You are doing a GREAT job! Every snuggle, lullaby, bouncy session, nurse to sleep, bottle wash and refill, contact nap, research deep dive, tear shed with uncertainty – is a testament to your love, care, and commitment. You’ve got this! 

 

For more details from this conversation, you can listen to our interview on the podcast SURE Parenting on Spotify and all other streaming services or watch the video version we streamed live on YouTube. You can also set up a time to talk directly with Kim Hawley herself if your family needs that kind of attuned and responsive support around sleep right now. Or check out her podcast on this topic.